Have you ever had that goal that you dreamed of and worked hard towards?
Have you ever had a goal that made you feel alive when you were pursuing it?
Have you ever had that belief that you could accomplish anything if you set your mind to it and worked relentlessly on it?
But today I look at my dream with hurt and loss of hope. Feelings of despair have crossed my once vibrant and joyful mindset. And now I am asking myself a very different question.
Now I am asking myself, what if I can’t?
The loss of a dream can be a very painful experience. You build hopes and wishes; feelings become attached to your dream. Am I OK with letting go of my dream? Does that make me a failure?
I like certainty and absolutes. They are solid. There is no faith needed. You can rest on the foundation that certainty and absolutes provide. It is more comfortable to rest here then to pursue the unknown. I think that is why we get comfortable. So when my dream is surrounded by the clouds of doubt, I want to sit down and wallow in my feelings rather than pursue and forge forward into unknown territory.
I love fitness. I have since I was a young teenager. When I am active, I am most alive. My soul lights up. My heart is vibrant. It is truly my joyful place. Gym was always my favorite class as a girl. As young at 13, I would get up before my whole family was awake, I would go outside and run. It was my time and my space that was all my own. I have always loved to be active. I would play every sport I was allowed and join every team. Twelve years ago, I was injured at work. In unsafe working conditions, I injured my back and my life has forever been altered. Most days I am in pain. I live with low grade pain, it has become a part of my life. Some days are much worse than others, and some days are great but not a day goes by where I am not affected by it.
I have always believed that if you try hard enough, you can accomplish anything. But as I sit here and write I am no longer sure of that. My belief is being challenged. I thought if I worked hard enough, I could overcome this back injury and be strong again. I fully and truly believed that I could overcome it. But weeks, months, years of exercise, stretching, yoga, massage, chiropractors, acupuncture, doctors, tests, meds and countless exercise regimes, I am at a cross road. I am losing faith that I can overcome this. I think for the first time ever, I need to be OK to walk away from my dream. That I need to allow myself space and freedom to let go; and to embrace my weakness; and I hate weakness. I hate weakness in myself. So to allow myself to embrace my own weakness shatters my own foundation.
Maybe its time to build a new foundation.
I don’t have the answers. Maybe that is also something that I need to accept. This is new territory for me. There is an absolute that I know for sure. It’s the fact that God is good. In my weakness and failure, He is still good. In my weakness, He is still strong and faithful. When the pain is really bad, my God is still really good. And I will praise God in both the good days and the hardest days.
Hebrews 6:19 “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” As life changes, and situations arise that are out of my control, I know who anchors my soul. And that foundational truth never changes.